peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You need Xanax blowdarts
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
