i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
