two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
