i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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