Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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