I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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