I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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