I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
