Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
