I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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