i would punch a child for taco bell
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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