I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
