just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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