i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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