After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
