I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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