I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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