that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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