your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
