Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize