the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
