This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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