First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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