my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
