never play flip cup with pint glasses
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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