So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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