i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
