I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
