I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
