some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize