just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
