i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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