If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize