I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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