Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
