I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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