shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
