Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I am midnight drunk by noon
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize