I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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