Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
time to smoke my breakfast
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
