...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
honey bunches of taint.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
