how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
