I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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