I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
