I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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