I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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