Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
