Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
