I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
