Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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