I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Randomize
