i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
