She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
why is half of my head shaved?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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