My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
