I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
