that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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