Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize