you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
