Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
