Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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