I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
